It seems like blues is all what I could write about these days. My birthday is coming, but I don't feel like celebrating my being born into this world. I don't remember what it feels like to celebrate anything at all. I don't want to pretend I'm happy when I'm not even okay. I hate being caged into a life I didn't choose.
This is not depression talking. This is angst. Angst about the seemingly lack of choices I have. I just want a life that is mine. That's how the geisha put it in that movie. I've read the book and I could relate well. Wishing I'd been born under better circumstances. But no, nobody has a say on that. So here I am, an accidental product of irresponsible choices between two people who hardly knows anything about responsibilities.
No, I am not blaming them. Not anymore, at least. I'm past that point and I have long accepted the fact that I just have to go on living with their choices. What good would it do to end this life now? Besides, I want to live. I just can't live the life I want, or live a life that is mine because the circumstances I was born in can't offer me that.
Thursday, February 11, 2016
All that indecisiveness we had about each other? This must be the perfect song for that.
Love me like you do, drop me like you do. I will never know what really held you back. That's just how life goes, I just have to move on without knowing what could've been.
I don't believe in happy endings, soulmates, the one, and all those crappy things they say about love anymore, but I'll always be fascinated about what a beautiful accident we were.
Thursday, January 28, 2016
"Nah, we can not hire you because we prefer someone who's already a resident of this country."
"You are highly qualified, but nah, we can not hire you because we don't offer visa sponsorship."
"Nah, this job post is exclusive for [insert citizenship/s] only."
I can not remember how many times I've heard those kind of rejections when applying for a job outside my country. Surely, I'm not the only one.
I get it; visa sponsorship is expensive. Not everyone is willing to risk that much for someone they hardly know, and is million miles away to be under a close scrutiny.
So instead of risking, employers would settle for someone who's already around (regardless of their competency) and would cost them much less in the hiring process. It's business, after all.
Such a shame that they choose individuals with the privilege to be born in right place over people with actual skills, considering that:
1) People who are privileged are capable of hopping from job to another because they not bound by any overseas contract or anything like it. Whereas, skilled workers who are employed outside their country are likely to stay with their employers for a long period of time. Why? Because chances are they would think twice before leaving a company that is basically their lifeline in a foreign country.
2) Skilled people pursuing jobs outside their home country are more resolute than you realize. It takes courage and self-determination to leave a life behind and work in a place that is different from where you came from. So, you've got to give to these risk-takers; not only they have the skills for the job, they also the guts and character to pursue a long-term goal no matter how lonely and homesick they could be.
3) Being risk-takers, chances are these people who want to land the job outside their comfort zone are highly ambitious or motivated by something more than just securing a job. They could've stay home and settle for decent compensation to finance their cost of living. But no, these people want to improve their way of life, broaden their horizons, and perpetually willing to learn more than what they already know.
Unfortunately, these kind of people are rarely given the opportunity. Simply because, while they possess the right skills and character, they are not born with the privilege to be citizen nor a resident of places that offer better opportunities.
Thursday, January 21, 2016
"Our lives are not our own. We are bound to others, past and present, and by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future."
--David Mitchell, Cloud Atlas
I've been sad before, but I've never been this sad. I am depressed. I wake up each day wishing I didn't. I guess the only thing that keeps me from taking my life is thinking about the aftermath a suicide creates.
However, today I found something that makes me feel hopeful about life. This article features 10 movies that could make you think about life.
One of the movies in the list is Cloud Atlas. I already have a copy of it in my laptop but didn't give it much thought until I stumbled upon the said article.
I watched it. And man, it really had me thinking about my life and the repercussions of the things I'm doing in my life right now -- all the good and the bad.
I've never been a religious person. My family are Christians and I've tried to be one. But after a few attempts in finding my faith, I gave up believing there is a point in going on with life. That existential crisis was paralyzing me.
Although I've always been fascinated about the idea of reincarnations, I can't bring myself to admit that I believe it.
When I came to understand that Cloud Atlas is actually about soul being reincarnated into different eras, and lives giving impact to the past, present, and future, I got very intrigued that I searched about its book.
I haven't read it yet, but from what I can gather so far, I'm already getting convinced reincarnation of soul is real -- that there is an eternal aspect of one's self and which is why we make the same mistakes over and over again. Why does history repeat itself?
I know how preposterous that may sound and won't make sense from a logical perspective, but perhaps this is coming from irrational side of me that was able to relate to the characters' deja vu, and unexplained and sometimes prophetic dreams that I experienced myself.
In the back of my head, I've always had this stupid notion that something great and powerful that we haven't unravel yet can move through time and space. Logical side of me have always shut that notion down.
But I am now convinced that I am more than what I am at the moment. There is a more to life that I don't yet understand. I don't have to. I don't have to believe in deities, but I have to believe in something more than ourselves. I have to believe in an eternal aspect of ourselves and don't make the mistakes that will mar my soul in the long run.
Those are something that I needed myself to believe right now. A sort of moral compass I needed to get back on track.
Thursday, January 14, 2016
They say life's best teachers are: heartbreaks, empty-pockets, and failures.
Couldn't be more true as I realized life is teaching me a lot recently. I just spent another day holed up in my room for all these reasons.
Before I left for holiday, I had a breakdown due to confirmation of an unrequited affection. The object of it subtly rejected me after building my hopes up for months of sending mixed signals that the feeling was mutual. Or maybe I've read that wrong, because I was blinded by my feelings. Though it hurts a lot, the best lesson I've learned from this is to never let myself be that vulnerable again. I would never let myself feel strongly for unattainable man. If I ever find myself in the same situation again, I'd rather have my brain take the lead than solely following my heart through the course.
Not totally empty yet, but will be eventually if I don't moderate my expenses wisely. I've been trying to since holiday. But given that I'm unemployed at the moment, I have to cut more cost before I turn completely penniless. Being this broke teaches me to be more aware of my spending habit. I'll do my best to keep this mind once I get a job and back on track.
This is the reason I spend this day locked inside my room, not wanting to speak to anyone, and sleeping the bad feeling away. I failed epic-ally to secure a business writing position. It crushed me and my newly-found confidence. It made me think that perhaps I'll never be good enough to build a career in writing industry. But then I decided I wouldn't one failure bring me down. I've been there before and this is just one of the many. While it shattered my self-esteem then, the experience humbled me, too. Next time, I'll come in more prepared. My huge mistake here is that I thought I could always half-ass my way into the hiring process like I did in my previous jobs. Heck, even the CV I submitted is outdated.
At any rate, I feel like a slow learner. It should've been simple: don't go chasing a guy who isn't into you, save up, and take job applications seriously. But people with a skull as thick as mine is hardly capable of grasping theoretical concepts until I experience them myself. Experience is the best pedagogy for people who learn best the hard way. If this is how life goes, then my learning curve has a long way to go.
Saturday, January 9, 2016
Holiday is over, and so as the joyful mood it came with. I enjoyed the vacation and will blog about the places I visited some time. But right now, I want to rant and let these negative feelings out. Yes, I'm back to my old moping self.
2016 is indeed a year of the monkey. It already showed me its first act of deceit. After getting my hopes up that this year will be better because there is already an opportunity waiting for me right when I return to this country, it slapped me with a reality that it wasn't as final as it sound when it was first offered to me.
Well, my fault. I should have known better than to believe. I guess it's wrong to expect everyone will be as honest and transparent as I am. I'm just really getting tired of the mind games and lies people are capable of playing. I can not keep up with them, and this is why I isolate myself. I am too sensitive and naive to be around these people.
My New Year's resolution? Leave my hopes and rosy optimism in 2015. Life is a bitch; it only rewards those who know how to fuck it.
Sunday, December 20, 2015
Thanks to the 2-hour nap I took yesterday afternoon, I was up until 2:00am-something last night. Now, I'm sporting a headache to complement my eye-bags.
Lemonades from lemon; since I couldn't afford sleep in the next few hours, I decided to take advantage of my wakefulness and download songs I'll be jiving in this holiday.
I've been watching too much Daria that most of these are soundtracks of the awesome series.
While Daria is almost a decade older than me, I like the music of her generation better than mine.
1995? I was still in 1st grade playing dolls and learning basics of arithmetic when these songs came out.
Think I just turned myself into a Foo Fighter fan...
And Incubus... and Nirvana.
It took a lot of patience and cursing in-between to complete the download cause the internet connection keeps lagging. Though, I could say the intensity of headache this caused me is worth it.
Thanks Daria for keeping me sane last few days of self-imposed solitary confinement. I have not only acquire your realistic outlook in life, I also gained fresh new tunes to rock into!